For some reason I have been very melancholy lately. I miss my mom, dad, and sister. In some ways I am dying to move to PA to be near them. I don't know if it's because we've been thinking more seriously lately about having a baby or what. I am just longing for family, for friends who know me better than I know myself.
After three years in Nashville, I still don't feel like I have a heart-friend. I have some wonderful Christian girlfriends whom I adore, but not one that I feel like I could call in the middle of the night if I were terribly sick or something. Not one who I could call just because. I have one friend who I would consider those things maybe, but she lives a bit away and has a 2 year old, so our relationship is hard to maintain!
The whole time we've been here I've prayer for such a heart-friend. And now here I am realizing that maybe I don't have one because I'm holding on too hard to the old? Not that I'm planning on giving up on old friends, but maybe I need to let the nostalgia go a little. Make room for some new attachments.
A good part of this is that I have been clinging to Jesus lately in this melancholy. He is my only constant. I know He knows the pains of loneliness, of separation from His closest relative. Since I started teaching No Other Gods, my relationship with Him has changed tremendously for the better. I am so blessed to be able to work on Bible studies for a living--and be able to teach them before they even come out! And the girls from my study have become true friends. I can just hope we will continue to share our lives together. :)
Hmm. Might want to moderate your comments.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I sympathize. I keep having to tell myself not to just dream about making visits to Europe or to places where my college friends live. I mean, I do want to visit, but I don't want to ignore where I am now.
I think one of the hardest things is to trust in God's generosity: relationships are not based on an economy of scarcity (i.e., you've made a couple of good friends, so you've reached your limit!), but of abundance. I have to be willing to share myself knowing that sharing myself here doesn't mean that I close myself off from my old friends.
But I hate having to make new friends. Div school is like high school all over again. The cliques, the rivalries, the cool kids and nerdy kids, the perpetual gossip. Amazing.