Haunted Places of the Mind

(source)

It's a sign of my ongoing struggle with body image that I can still see the magazine layout in my head.

A pair of teenage girls roller-bladed in bathing suits in some now-defunct young teen magazine (because I was way too young for my mother to let me read Seventeen). (I think it was, in fact, Teen magazine.)

I couldn't have been much older than 7th grade. I stared at that page mercilessly, willing myself to be small enough to wear a two-piece bathing suit. When I did get skinny, I would buy the exact one on the right of the spread: still modest, a coral-colored two piece with a unique, off-the-shoulder top. I'm not sure what deluded me to think if I were thinner I would suddenly have the body of a 17-year-old, but I was sure I would look just like the girl in that spread.

I've never worn a two-piece. Not even as a child, that I can remember. 

The reason I remember that issue of the magazine so vividly is because it laid out a diet. One that WORKED! Of course! I carried the issue around, dog-eared, for weeks or even months. Trying, trying. Coral in mind.

I didn't drop weight, not even with all the tuna and frozen peas and white-meat chicken.

Somewhere around eighth grade, I hit a growth spurt and thinned out a little. Not two-piece thin. But that magazine was during the lowest point, the hidden years, the year I was bullied and it makes me want to throw up to even think about. Until I had someone call after me the slogan of a popular weight-loss commercial, every day, for an entire school year, I'm not sure I even realized I was truly overweight.

I'm fairly certain not a day's gone by since seventh grade when I thought of my body in a positive manner.

To remember my solidary focus on one coral-clad model makes me sick. But I still want that now grossly out-of-date bathing suit.

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Losing It: The Recap!

Well.

Ten weeks ago, Ashleigh, Mary, and I had this crazy Twitter conversation that resulted in the Losing It 10 competition. Maybe we were on a crazy post-Blissdom high or something.

I think we'll be the first to admit that none of us lost a whole lot of weight. But it wasn't all about that this time. I don't feel dissatisfied with the results. Because I believe the three of us had a lot of heart-change when it comes to our weight. We saw the struggles we have. We faced demons. It's been a wild ride for me.

And I don't think we ever imagined that there would be other people who truly were inspired! I've been awestruck by the women who have taken the challenge and run with it. I can't wait to see the percentages lost.

For me, I know I have to work out like crazy and practically starve myself to lose weight. It's how I've always been. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've messed up my body by losing and gaining, or I really eat more than I think I do, or I react badly to carbs. (Doing the South Beach Diet is the only time I've lost substantial weight.) I have to confess I weigh about the same as I did when we started this whole thing.

However.

I am drinking a lot more water and MUCH less soda. I've done exercises I'd never thought possible--running and Shredding! I feel better. I'm eating almost no processed food.

I count that as success.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Kathy at House of Hills is going to continue to host Losing It Fridays, so make sure to subscribe to her blog and follow along!

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Losing It: Week 9

I'm kind of at a loss when it comes to a Losing It post this week. I'm still chugging along, trying to exercise. Still refusing to weigh in. I have made such great leaps when it comes to food during the course of this challenge. (Part of it may be the opening of the Farmer's Market!!) We are eating grass-fed beef, homemade bread, and very little preservatives.

I actually mentioned to my husband last night that for the last couple weeks when I eat something sweet, like jelly beans (screw you Target Easter clearance!!), I've gotten really sick to my stomach. He said it was because those are the only processed foods I eat! He's probably right. My sweet tooth is definitely tapering away. (Although Mary--I would totally forgo Pop-Tarts and chocolate frosting and eat ice cream every day.)

So today, as we're nearing the end of our 10-week challenge, I'd like to share with you some of my favorite Losing It posts from the competitors!

She'll Lose Her Baby Fat When She Starts Walking - Giving Up on Perfect
Gaining It, Week 1 - Simply Mel (I'm SO excited!)
The Number - Heart and Home
Finding Hope - Life as Mum
Photo Diary - Got My Reservations
You have to read Dedra's whole journey. She's inspired me so much! - Just a Chick
Breakthroughs - House of Hills
In case you missed it, my own favorite post from this journey has been Agreeing with God.


How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

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Losing It: Week 8

Last week I talked a little bit about our struggle with infertility and what it took to conceive Libbie. Here's the rest, the part that's related to weight loss! 

I was amazed that after I had Libbie, I could fit into my normal jeans in just a few short weeks. In fact, I think after about three weeks I had lost all but 7 lbs. of my pregnancy weight (don't hate me yet--keep reading). Sure, my jeans were tight--but they buttoned! I was sure if I kept nursing I was going to be the skinniest I'd ever been.

I think it was about that time that the nursing hungry set in. I was more hungry than I'd ever been when I was pregnant. It was insane. Over the next few months, I ate ... and ate... and ate. I went back to work and started going out to lunch again. I didn't exercise. Then there was that whole thing with my husband being gone for 5 months.

I never lost the last 7 pounds. I eventually gained 6 MORE pounds--which somehow, post-pregnancy, made all my clothes fit like I had gained 50. Some days I feel 50 pounds bigger than I did before my pregnancy. I carry weight differently and I feel like it's more evident. While I feel more confident after giving birth, I hate my body even more than I ever did.

Don't you just love to blame your weight on something? I like to blame it on this pink-clad, curly-haired cutie.

It's not her fault, of course. It's my issue--and my issue that I don't want to pass along to her.

I may not have lost any weight during this challenge--yet! But I have come to face several issues and made leaps and bounds when it comes to our eating habits. That, I am proud of. And I promise to keep working.

How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.


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Losing It: Week 5

I'm doing this Bible study on Esther. (The same one I had this personal dilemma about a year ago. And then went for two weeks, realized the group wasn't talking about it, just watching the video, and stopped going.) Tonight the Holy Spirit slapped me in the face while I was studying, and I knew I needed to share it with you.

I went out by myself tonight to go to CVS and found myself in the Krystal drive-through, coerced by a tummy that still felt hungry and the excuse, "I've already flopped today, why not?"

That is the worst excuse in the book. I am ashamed. And the milkshake I got wasn't even good--the ultimate punishment.

Chocolate slush still settling unhappily in my stomach, I sat down and started to read Beth Moore's words about Mordecai refusing to bow to Haman. She eventually got to both Mordecai and Joseph (the Genesis Joseph) being pursued by temptation day after day after day. And yet, Beth writes, "Each responded out of his mind-set rather than his mood."

The last few paragraphs of the day boiled in my heart until they spilled out on the page into a fervent prayer.

If I had agreed with Your lessons to not be gluttonous as I have agreed with You on not having premarital sex, not cursing, not getting drunk … wouldn't I follow through like I did on those? The temptation of food is stronger for me only because I have not fully agreed with You against gluttony. 

My heart is heavy with sin. I cannot piecemeal what I want from the Bible. But God is good, and He forgives. After I finished Esther, I just flipped open the Bible and read in Isaiah:

Your anger has turned away,
and You have had compassion on me.
Indeed, God is my salvation.
I will trust Him and not be afraid.
Because Yah, the LORD,
is my strength and my song,
He has become my salvation.
Isaiah 12:1-2, HCSB

Amen and amen. I'm traveling into this week with a brand-new mindset. One that I want to be stronger than my mood.

How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

I feel that I need to add, I don't think having a milkshake is a sin. It was this time for me, because I KNEW that I shouldn't. For you, it may be buying a fourth pair of black heels or spending 10 more minutes on Twitter. When you feel guilty about something like this, it's a good idea to step back and see if you're agreeing with God on this topic in your life.

This post includes Amazon affiliate links. Read more in my disclosure policy.
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Losing It: Week 4

Some days, I think I should give up.

There are a lot of people who are perfectly fine with being overweight. Those ladies in bikinis with fat rolls hanging over the top, for instance. I can't even remember the last time I had the courage to put on a bathing suit and wear it in public.

But I cannot let myself give in and just keep gaining more and more weight. Even if eating well and exercising means maintaining, I have to do it. For Libbie. For me. For my heart and my health.

I've always felt like I had to starve myself to lose even a pound. My body clings to the fat like gum to hair.

I think I might wait a month, or til the end of the 10 weeks to weigh myself again. I just can't deal with it and I need to focus more on drinking water, eating the right things in appropriate quantities, and exercising.

I am so glad there are people truly running with it and losing because of this contest! I wish I were one of them. Life circumstances the last few weeks have kept me completely off-focus. But there's nothing stopping me from continuing to take little steps toward the finish line.

I may never be 135 pounds. But I can be healthier tomorrow than I am today.



How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

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Losing It: Week 3

All I can say about this week is I don't really want to talk about it. You can read here for a little bit about what is going on right now and why I will be MIA for a while.

That said, I did buy a new scale on Monday and from Tuesday to this morning it said I lost .66%. It is also weighing higher than my other scale, but oh well. So if I add the weight I lost in week 1 to this new weight (I know, it's weird), it would be a total of 1.59%.

I ain't gonna win with those numbers!

I really thought this contest would push me harder. I do think about what I am eating all the time, but it's not been a good week for working out (possibly because Libbie hasn't been napping).

So, cheers to a better next week.

How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

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Losing It: Week 2

As I sat down at the computer to write tonight, Mr. V asked me, "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to write my weight post this week," I told him. "I didn't do enough."

Like the math teacher he is, his response was, "Well you should have considered that before the night before the test."

*

I have a million excuses this week. Do you? Weather. Just feeling "off" and letting my depression get the best of me many days. Libbie is exercising her will. My knee hurts. Yada, yada, yada.

While I don't know what the result will be when I step on the scale tomorrow morning (I am writing Thursday night), I know I haven't done enough this week to make a big difference. I only did The Shred once this week despite my post last week extolling its virtues. I ate both Chinese buffet and a "down home" buffet (future post on buffets being from the devil in the works).

In the past, I probably would have forgotten it all and gone back to my non-exercising self, focusing only on what I want to eat at the time. But knowing I've committed to the next eight weeks here, exposing myself to you, sets me straight. I will continue to make baby steps--and those add up to big steps!

WEEKLY GOAL PROGRESS
Body weight percentage lost: I weighed myself 3 times this morning and got three different readings. Insert big, grouchy, cross-eyed look here. I will go with nothing lost this week. May buy a new scale as mine is old and I'm not sure it survived the move.
Sodas drank: 3
Water: didn't drink as much as I should but some each day.
Exercise: 4/7
Whole foods: Other than the unknowns in the buffets and some instant mashed potatoes I wanted to use up, I was successful in sticking to my whole foods! Yay!

How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

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Losing It: Week 1

Disclosure: Amazon affiliate links included in this post. 

I don't like to do things that are hard.

I don't suppose anyone does, right? Or is it just me? I feel like I have an especially hard time fighting cravings, pushing myself when it comes to exercise, and dealing with my emotional turmoil.

One of my epiphanies from The Biggest Loser was that I always refused to actually do hard exercise, the kind that might hurt a little the next day or cause me to feel like I can't do it. Just maybe (shocker, I know) pushing myself a little was what it would take to actually lose weight. Doing more than one mile on Walk Away the Pounds or strolling the neighborhood.

Nearly a year ago, the phenomenon of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred was sweeping the blogosphere. It seemed that all my favorite mommy bloggers were getting into that torturous DVD.

 

It took me 11 months, but I finally got the courage to jump on that bandwagon this week. Sunday afternoon I banished Mr. V to the bedroom so he couldn't make fun of me, donned some maternity yoga pants, and revved up the DVD. By the end of the first strength segment, I couldn't feel my legs.

I am SERIOUS.

I wobbled through the rest of the DVD and Sunday evening.

Can I ask you a question? Have you ever been scared to sit down for fear of not being able to get up? Have you ever been sure you were going to "have an accident" because you literally could not get down to the toilet?

Yeah, me neither. Cough.

Monday morning I did Walk Away the Pounds to try to loosen up my legs so I could, you know, SIT DOWN. By Monday night I was SURE there was no way I could Shred. But Mr. V urged me to try, and so I did.

Tuesday night I started it by myself and five minutes in started yelling, "I can't do it!!!" Mr. V brought Libbie in the room and they cheered me on and did some of the moves with me. (Libbie marching in place? SO CUTE!!!) And we made it through.

Mr. V wasn't home Wednesday night. I didn't do it. And now it's Thursday afternoon, and my muscles finally seem to be somewhat normal again, and I am working on mustering the courage and energy to don the yoga pants and stick that evil circle into the DVD player.

WEEKLY GOAL PROGRESS
Body weight percentage lost: .95% (I'm a little disappointed, but it's something and I honestly already see a small difference in my waist and feel stronger from all the Shredding!)

Sodas drank: 2 (goal is 1)
Water: drank a decent amount most days
Exercise: 5/7 (check!)
Whole foods: mostly. I did eat some Chick-Fil-A, some frozen ice cream bars, and a Sonic wrap. I am tracking my foods and exercise on SparkPeople, and that does help me keep accountable!

How did you do this week? Link up your post at Giving Up on Perfect, and don't forget to visit Ashleigh at Heart and Home, too! If you have no clue what I'm talking about, read about the Losing It competition here.

P.S. On Twitter, we're using the hashtag #LosingIt10 to find each other and root one another on!

I don't mean to knock Walk Away the Pounds. I do think it's good aerobic exercise. I just don't tend to push myself when I do it.

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Losing It (Not Just Our Sanity)

So here's the thing. I have been overweight since I was 10 years old. That's a lot of years--17+ in fact, since I am on the quick track to my 28th birthday. (Gasp. That number sounds so much like 30. Yikes.)

From elementary school on, my life has been littered with dieting and dropping and gaining. Heartache over being unable to shed the extra pounds. Knowledge that I thought should work and didn't. And even some ephedrine (oops).

About a week and a half ago, I watched the first episode of this season's Biggest Loser on our cable demand station. Then I watched another episode. And another. I found I couldn't watch the episodes while sitting on the couch--I had to get up and walk with them!

Despite the hilarious product placement and the fact that is IS an entertainment show and they treat it as such, I found it really inspiring. I watched every episode of this season with a week.

And for some reason, for the first time in my life, I feel like I really could lose weight and be healthy. The switch to eating more whole foods has helped. I find I am actually full longer from eating whole grains, protein, and lots of fruit and veggies. Who woulda thunk it?

Becoming a SAHM has also helped me. I don't just sit at my desk and eat from boredom. I can only eat what's in my house unless I make a real concerted effort to leave (and with packing up the baby, that's too much effort just to get Sonic. Most days!).

 old picture, but one of my favorites

And lastly, being a mother has changed my mindset completely. Did I ever think I would be an extended breastfeeding advocate, cloth diaperer, whole foods eater? Not a chance. But I want the absolute best for Libbie and I don't want her to deal with this struggle I've battled my entire life. One specific Biggest Loser scene really challenged me ever further to set an example for her--I can't just teach her what I know, I have to live it out.

So for the next 10 weeks, Ashleigh, Mary, and I are going to host this sort-competition we call "Losing It (Not Just Our Sanity)"! While we won't be sharing our specific weights, we will be sharing how we have met our health goals each week and be challenging you to set goals for yourself and link up each week! (The link-up will be at Giving Up on Perfect, but you'll be able to click over from here if you'd like.) We WILL be sharing percentage of body weight lost.

I think it's a great opportunity to hold each other accountable for reaching those healthy goals--and losing some weight along the way! Here are the goals I'll be trying to reach each week:

• Drink water. Maximum of one soft drink a week.
• Exercise or reach 10,000 steps five times a week.
• Avoid processed foods and stick to whole grains.
• My short-term goal is to lose 31 pounds. That's not likely to happen in 10 weeks, but I'll try to give it a good jumpstart!

Did I mention there are prizes? Anyone who links up six of the ten weeks will be eligible to win a six-month subscription to The Six O'Clock Scramble, a meal planning service; a Weight Watchers pedometer; and a gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods. The winner? The person who loses the biggest percentage of body weight! We assume you'll be honest ... because we're going to be all out there.

Good luck! Go over to Giving Up on Perfect and link up your healthful goals for this competition!

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Blegh.

On Friday, I fully intended to wear a very pretty red velvet dress to our office Christmas party. I got it months ago (very off-season) brand new for $3.50 at Lane Bryant. For a brand new, beautiful dress, I couldn't pass it up! I thought I'd be able to wear it at Christmas this year.

And I could. Except, even in Spanx Assets, I looked exactly the same as I did at 19 weeks pregnant with Libbie.

(Me at 19 weeks)

I thought maybe it was just me. I'm ultra-self-conscious.

Then at church on Sunday, one of my 4-year-olds asked me if I was having another baby. And I wasn't even wearing an empire-waist dress.

(I didn't wear the dress to the party. I could not bear if it one of my coworkers had asked if I were pregnant.)

I don't say this to ask for sympathy or advice, really. I've just kind of reached that point. I suppose the toll of this fall has been taken; I've not been held accountable for my eating habits at all. I've been walking regularly at work for some weeks, but it's not a huge amount of exercise. (It is SOMETHING, of which I am proud.)

In the middle of Christmas season is not the best time to come to the realization that I really shouldn't even try to get pregnant again until I lose the rest of Libbie's baby weight (and then some...). But a little extra awareness, a little extra exercise, and some healthful dinners should help me keep it in check until the new year.

I hope.

Just keepin' it real, folks. I wouldn't be me if I didn't share this part of my life. Thanks for taking me as I am.

Obsession

Due to vacation, I'm going to have a few "reruns" here this week as well as some compilation posts.

I've realized recently--in the last year or so--that I have a hard time becoming involved in something without being obsessive. For me, this is crocheting, cooking, writing, music, thought processed...pretty much anything. One of my most recent examples is Paperbackswap. I joined this online book trading club in September 2006, intending to get rid of some of my books I've read and didn't really want to read again, and get some books I haven't read yet. I am a bit of a voracious reader but I've always had trouble getting books back to the library on time so I thought it would be great for me.

Well, a little over a year later, I have 150 books I haven't read sitting in my house. I have found myself going to bookstores just to buy books to post on PBS--not even to read first! I read things I might not even want to read just to participate in swaps or challenges on the message boards. It's kind of astonishing to me! I've tried to make myself stop recently, and I am trying to only read what I truly want to. But it's been a fun addiction.

Despite the disarray of my house, I am a perfectionist and oldest child in many ways. If I am going to do something, I want to be the best. I am constantly battling my psyche that says Everything has to be perfect or no one will like you. I spent a lot of years with social anxiety, thinking that everyone disliked me at first sight and only if they proved otherwise might they even be indifferent towards me. Never mind the fact I can think of one person ever who I know truly disliked me. It just must be true because I thought it was.

I think my battle with losing weight has always been that for some reason I can't get myself into the obsession about it, and I don't know why. And then if I can't be perfect, I get frustrated and want to stop. It's time for a new frame of mind, don't you think? My new decision is baby steps. One foot in front of the other. One choice at a time. For everything in my life, hopefully!

Originally published December 3, 2007

Dear Male Readers--Especially My Dad--And People I Work With, Please Don't Read This

I wasn't really going to write this post, until I read Stephanie's post today at Adventures in Babywearing. And then I thought, hey, maybe someone would relate and say, "I am SO glad someone else on earth feels that way!"

I struggle each day with liking my body.

I'm sure that's not news to anyone, nor is it specific to me. But the way I feel about my body has taken on new spectrums since I had Libbie.

'Cause when you look like this:

... and suddenly deflate when the baby exits, your body takes on a whole new shape. Add breastfeeding to that, and you're not sure you recognize yourself anymore.

My biggest struggle is with my breasts. There, I said it. Every day, I hate them.

I was a DD to begin with. Then I got pregnant. And they grew. And then I started nursing. And they grew.

None of my old tops fit. In fact, I still wear some maternity things on top because I think the nursing breasts balance out the baby belly that was there! (Don't tell Clinton and Stacy.)

I hate that I have headlights like a Ford that even these covers cannot hide. I hate that I feel unbalanced, that my only button-down shirt is huge in the waist because otherwise it gaps, and that shirts that are completely modest somehow become cleavage city on me.

But then, these breasts are nourishing my daughter. Boosting her immune system. I love breastfeeding, I love the sweet time with her, her little gulps, her smiles afterward. They're not just a part of my body anymore--they have a PURPOSE.

And so every day, I tell myself it's OK. Some day I will stop nursing and they'll go back to normal (of course, I fear this will be the same time I decide to get pregnant again, and the cycle will continue). I am so blessed that nursing has been super easy for us.

The Girls have done me well. Which is why I feel bad about hating them. A daily struggle.

Have you made peace with The Girls? Your stretch marks? Please tell me.

Eating Better

So tomorrow starts the new, better lifestyle choices. (Again.) I started some healthy habits before we left for Christmas but those were quickly replaced with eating out and Christmasing. I only walked on the parents' treadmill one day when I was there.

So, here are my new steps to being healthy and able to conceive, I hope!! Let's not talk about that trauma today...I am slightly more than perturbed at my gynecologist's office after a phone call this morning. ANYWAY.

1. Work out at least three days a week after work, and one day during the weekend.

2. Eat lower-carb and only whole grains. Try new, yummy recipes and eat enough that I don't feel deprived. Plan, plan, plan, especially for breakfasr and lunches.

3. Try not to drink soda and limit artificial sweeteners and all things artificial in foods.

4. Check about ordering organic and non-hormonal food from plumgoodfoods.

So if I seem to be falling away from these things, you're allowed to yell at me. I know it's everyone's New Year's Resolution but I HAVE to do this if I want to have a baby--and be a healthy mom!

J

Obsession

For some reason when I was coughing my lungs out of my body at 4:30 this morning I was also thinking about a blog post. These thoughts have really been brewing for some time, just time to get them out in writing!

I've realized recently--in the last year or so--that I have a hard time becoming involved in something without being obsessive. For me, this is crocheting, cooking, writing, music, thought processed...pretty much anything. One of my most recent examples is Paperbackswap. I joined this online book trading club in September 2006, intending to get rid of some of my books I've read and didn't really want to read again, and get some books I haven't read yet. I am a bit of a voracious reader but I've always had trouble getting books back to the library on time so I thought it would be great for me.

Well, a little over a year later, I have 150 books I haven't read sitting in my house. I have found myself going to bookstores just to buy books to post on PBS--not even to read first! I read things I might not even want to read just to participate in swaps or challenges on the message boards. It's kind of astonishing to me! I've tried to make myself stop recently, and I am trying to only read what I truly want to. But it's been a fun addiction.

Despite the disarray of my house, I am a perfectionist and oldest child in many ways. If I am going to do something, I want to be the best. I am constantly battling my psyche that says Everything has to be perfect or no one will like you. I spent a lot of years with social anxiety, thinking that everyone disliked me at first sight and only if they proved otherwise might they even be indifferent towards me. Never mind the fact I can think of one person ever who I know truly disliked me. It just must be true because I thought it was.

I think my battle with losing weight has always been that for some reason I can't get myself into the obsession about it, and I don't know why. And then if I can't be perfect, I get frustrated and want to stop. It's time for a new frame of mind, don't you think? My new decision is baby steps. One foot in front of the other. One choice at a time. For everything in my life, hopefully!

Weight and Waiting

Another day at work. I am kind of in limbo on some projects which makes it hard to work. I did finish the book someone needed me to read and worked a little bit. I hate days when I feel like I've accomplished nothing, though.

Hm, I've just sat here for five minutes trying to think of something to write that would be interesting. What I really want to write about is my weight, but that is such a personal thing. I have been thinking a lot about strongholds lately as I am doing the Bible study Breaking Free. Most people who are overweight got that way after high school. Not me. I have been heavy and trying to lose weight since I was 9 years old. That is 14 years of this. It disgusts me. I feed myself so many lies--or repeat those from the Devil--I have no willpower. It runs in the family. I can never change. Life's too short to deprive myself.

These things are not true. If I want to be a mom, I need to lose some of this bulk. I don't want my children to suffer from generational strongholds. I want to show them what eating is like when you don't have to think about it constantly. I want to eat to live.

So something's gotta change. I can't live by urges and cravings. How debase does that sound! If I truly have the mind of Christ, I need to learn how to use it.

Jess

Accidents Happen, But Accidents Like This Only Happen to Me

And I started this week with such high motivation...

I was at the gym at 6 AM on Monday morning. Had a nice 25-minute workout but then I had to get ready for work. I was in the shower at the Y and my shampoo fell and rolled into another stall. Bright me, I decided to crouch down and just reach for it. Well, I twisted my hip in a very painful way. Then I stood up and passed out from the pain.

They took me to the ER. VERY embarrassing and painful. I can't lift my left leg hardly at all, which makes exercise seem impossible at this point. Plus when I'm sick I just want to eat. I haven't eaten everything in the house, which is good, but we did order pizza on Tuesday night, and last night Adam and I had roast chicken and stuffing.

Tonight is salmon, which sadly is high-WW point even though it's so good for you. I need to have a frozen meal for lunch, but I'm going to PeiWei instead. I don't understand their calories on their website vs. what is on the DWLZ website. Ack.

Off to lunch.